Once upon a time I had a baby ... a decade ago. I was nineteen and my body was in prime condition apparently because I didn't have many symptoms that normally come along with pregnancy. I recall a small cramp here and there. I recall not liking certain foods and my feet swelling in the final trimester. But it all went pretty fast and before I knew it, Tamia was born and I bounced back like a fucking pro.
Well, I'm now thirty. I'm eight weeks pregnant today. And I think I might be dying.
No, seriously. I think this is what the onset of death possibly feels like. I am nauseous. ALL THE TIME. Like yesterday I think I almost gave up my entire gastrointestinal lining to the porcelain Gods. When I think I'm done being nauseous, that's just my body pretending to be an ally, but it's really just being a dickhead because guess what ... it's not done. I wake up, brush my teeth, and in the midst of attempting to find the energy to put on something suitable so that I don't embarass the entire shit out of my ten year old on our walk to school, the gagging begins. MY STOMACH IS EMPTY. THERE IS NOTHING IN THERE!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?!
Between the lack of energy and not being able to sleep, I'm just an utter joy to be around. Heh. My poor boyfriend. I have no idea how he has dealt with me up to this point. I'm a raging bitch. Although I must admit that even if I were not pregnant, if I was lacking sleep like I am now, I would still be a bitch ... just maybe not this bad. I'm totally gonna figure out how to get him some kind of amazing gift at the end of this whole thing because he doesn't deserve this treatment ... or maybe he does considering I have to physically endure this while he does not. See? Just typing that statement pissed me the fuck off. I guess it's good to know I'm not suffering entirely alone.
I'm hungry, until there is food in front of me. I'm pissing every hour or so. I do recall that part - the heavy peeing. My skin is in disarray. This acne situation is not cute. Not one bit. My emotions are always on HIGH. I just keep telling myself I need to chill out but that doesn't seem to be helping beccause I end up wanting to punch myself in the face while screaming, "SHUT UP BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!!!" I'm having extreme anxiety and short bouts of depression and I am positive that for the most part it's the hormones. Going through a few things that understandably are causing me a bit of anxiety but I think it's tripled by the fact that I'm worried it will affect my baby. Trying to be a good mother is making me a shitty one. Ugh.
I'm going to start yoga tomorrow morning/afternoon/whenever I can function without vomitting my intestines up. I'm hoping that will help calm me a bit, but it probably won't. I only say that because I know myself and yoga just might end up pissing me off if I feel I can't do a position properly. But I'm gonna try it anyway. It's supposedly good for both me and the baby and if there's anything I can do to help center my emotions, I'm gonna try it. Even considering acupuncture if it's necessary and that's some shit I'd always said I'd never do. It just reminds me how much we're willing to do when our children are involved. I'll make adjustments if it means a healthy, happy baby.
Oh and one last thing ... prenatal vitamins. Why the fuck do they have to be so big? HORSE PILLS! I gag every single day. Without fail. I force myself to hold it down as I know it is important for the baby especially considering my inability to hold food down so I'm probably not getting many nutrients. If my hair doesn't grow a mile and I have the most beautiful nails and skin by the end of this journey I'm gonna gouge somebody's eyes out. I promise.
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